Everything the invitations will claim as true — the law, the ledger, the twelve owners — assembled from Yahoo and the league’s own emails. Your pen decides what becomes canon.
The rules as you wrote them in the Season 2 kickoff email (Aug 10, 2025), plus the Yahoo settings currently live for 2026. Anything the invitations say about how Empire works will come from this section.
All-time numbers cover both seasons including postseason. Each owner carries a suggested invitation angle and a roast dial — the dials are drafts; turn any of them, and flag anything true that must never be said.
18-14, averaging 113.1. Last season: 10-4, one game from the crown, beaten by a rookie in the final. 0-2 lifetime against Keith. Renamed the franchise mid-season over a Kayshon Boutte waiver claim.
Angle: unfinished business — the emperor who built the arena and hasn’t worn the crown in it. Dial: full roast; the league should see the commissioner bleed first.
13-20, averaging 104.3, owner of the longest losing streak in league history (7). Kept Stroud, Tua, and Swift. Bids on dead raider tags for sport. “The Gang…” is an institution — a new regime every season.
Angle: the loyal opposition; a chaos agent with a GM’s eye for distressed assets. Dial: standard roast.
6-11, averaging 86.3 — the lowest scoring average in league history. Inherited Dave’s roster fresh off the best regular season ever (11-3) and went 5-9 with it. Keeps Saquon and Mark Andrews.
Angle: a throne inherited, not yet earned — a monarchy awaiting a reign. Dial: careful-medium, your call — the “Hey Sexy Man!” energy suggests he can take more.
Dead even at 16-16 all-time, 7-7 last year, averaging 106.9 — the most precisely .500 man in Empire. Kept Hurts and A.J. Brown. Famously doesn’t check his Yahoo mail; sold a dead raider tag threat-first.
Angle: the balance point of the league — the idol keeper whose ledger always settles to zero. Dial: standard roast.
19-14, averaging 120.8. The founding champion — and it was a heist. Owns the highest single week ever (181.10). 4-0 lifetime against Torrey, once by 0.70 points — the cruelest margin in league history. Keeps a young core: Gibbs, McLaurin, Drake Maye, Nabers.
Angle: the first king — one repeat away from the Pool himself. Dial: standard-plus; he’s been in these trenches since 2011.
19-14, averaging 118.4. Second in points last season and a semifinalist — then scored 67.64 in the third-place game, his worst week ever, when nothing was left to play for. Keeps Kyren, Tee Higgins, Bowers.
Angle: always in the hunt, never at the feast — the league’s most reliable October team. Dial: standard roast.
19-14, averaging 125.2 — the best among returners. Third place in both seasons. Last year: the most points in the league (1,733.48) and the 1-seed — eliminated by the rookie who won it all. Deepest keeper portfolio in Empire: JSN kept at a 10th-round cost, London, Brian Thomas Jr., Rashee Rice. Family: Nate’s return puts two Pudewells in the empire.
Angle: the bronze curse — the best team that never plays on the last day. Dial: full roast on the medals; warm on the brother’s return.
19-13 — the best all-time winning percentage of any three-year survivor — and the 2024 runner-up. Last season he went 8-6 and missed the playoffs: four 9-5 teams squeezed him out. 0-4 lifetime against Matt. Kept Justin Jefferson and Achane.
Angle: the wronged man — the empire’s best record with the least to show for it. Dial: standard roast; the Matt rivalry is the centerpiece.
9-7 rookie campaign, made the playoffs at 9-5, Josh Allen in hand. The franchise name is a standing joke on Brandon’s fallen “Perc Rodgers.” Of his 2025 entering class: one championship, one 10th place, two relegations.
Angle: year two of the insurgency — the class of ’25’s last insurgent standing (besides the king). Dial: standard roast.
12-5, averaging 119.0, an eight-game win streak, and a championship in his first season — as the 5-seed, with zero keepers, through the 1-seed and the commissioner. 2-0 against Matt; 2-0 against Robert. The Pool is one repeat away.
Angle: the reigning villain-king; everyone below him spent the offseason thinking about him. Dial: the crown treatment — reverence with a target painted on it.
Held the #1 overall pick in the founding draft and finished with the league’s worst record — relegated by the law he helped found. And yet: the highest scoring average in Empire history, 125.7 a week. The most talented loser the empire has produced. The oldest fantasy hands in the league (playing since ’01). Sat out his sentence in full.
Angle: the exile returns — the empire’s best offense never died; it was banished. Dial: the roast IS the honor — lean into the tragedy, crown the comeback.
No record, no debts, no scars — the first owner to enter Empire after the founding and expansion classes. She arrives as two fallen rosters dissolve into her draft pool.
Angle: the true origin story — the only owner whose page is written entirely in future tense. Dial: warm welcome, zero roast, first season.
How are raid targets assigned this year — random draw, your hand, rivalry-seeded? The invitations can stage this as theater if we know the mechanism.
Nate and Alie both get the new-blood package (picks between rounds 2–3 and 7–8)?
You said ~$200, not sure. No dollar figure prints anywhere until you confirm; until then the copy says “two seasons of gold, untouched.”
Confirm it’s regular-season finish (the 2024 precedent implies it; the archived final-standings order differs).
Does Clint’s franchise carry D’s Big Tiddys’ history (11-3 and all), or start fresh in 2025? Affects every record we print for him.
He drafted in the founding draft; his seat’s story is unclear. Does his name appear in Empire’s history at all?
Every dial above is a draft. Turn any of them — and tell me anything that is true but must never be said. That list is the one thing I can’t compute.
Full name as she’d want it in the record, the email she’ll use for Yahoo, and her number lives in your phone for the text.